Taking a Relationship to the Next Level

So you’ve been seeing a girl for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. You’ve been on lots of dates, found out a lot about each other and had a lot of fun. You’re pretty sure that what you feel for her has gone beyond just the liking stage and you would like to set the way for a bit more mutual commitment. The problem is, you don’t want to spoil what you’ve got by being too greedy and you’re scared that asking for more may mean that you lose her altogether.

Deciding whether a relationship is worth pursuing is often the most difficult decision to make in the early days of knowing someone, so, if you’ve got this far, providing you follow a few simple rules, you should have absolutely no problems with helping your partnership flourish.

Rule 1 - Look for the signs

Whether or not you end up taking things further is a process that is dependent as much on your girlfriend as it is on you. Just because you want to continue the relationship doesn’t mean that she will and if she doesn’t feel the same way then there’s not too much you can do to sway her. Watching out for signals that her interest in you is growing is a good way of being a little more sure of what she wants. So, if she is keen to spend more time with you, reciprocates your attention towards her and actively wants to learn more about you then the situation is certainly looking sunny.

Rule 2 - Don’t let your fear hold you back

Many couples become stuck in a rut and find their relationship simply fizzles out and dies simply because nobody has found the courage to move things along. It is natural to be afraid of rejection and possibly losing what you already have but taking the plunge and pledging more commitment to your partnership may reap greater benefits. In any case, it will help you to be sure that you both want the same things from your relationship; if not, it is best to identify your differences sooner rather than later and go your separate ways before you have invested too much emotional energy into your union.

Rule 3 - Be direct

If you want more from her, don’t be cryptic about it, just say so. Playing games or expecting someone to be able to read your mind can result in a lot of confusion and be very frustrating for both parties. Be clear as to how much commitment you would like from her and the direction in which you would like your relationship to go, otherwise she might just turn up at your door with her suitcase in hand expecting to move in!

Rule 4 - Actions speak louder than words

Demonstrating that she is important to you and investing time in your relationship should give you a helping hand in building stronger bonds with her. Use simple gestures to show her that you care for her and make an effort to get to know the people that are important in her life; after all, if you are planning on being a more permanent fixture, they will probably be your friends as well as hers in the future.

Penn Badgley vs. Ed Westwick

This is the perfect test to see if good wins out over evil — I’m talking about Gossip Girl’s sweetie Penn Badgley who plays Dan and Ed Westwick who plays the ever-brooding and ever sexy bad boy Chuck Bass.

Both hot? Yes. Both playing students (who look yummy in their uniforms)? Yes. But one’s gotta win out. Who do you think should? Vote now!

 Loading ...

Have Some Dating Doubts? Then Start Small

It’s not hard to peruse the internet these days and come across a myriad of dating advice.  A simple click of the Google search button or the clicking of an advertisement can send you into a whirlwind of dating advice and knowledge.  Sometimes, all of this knowledge can be a bit too much.

Have you ever tried to improve your dating life, but found that when you went out your door and into the real world, it’s actually incredibly nerve-racking and even downright intimidating?  Don’t worry; it’s time to take the pressure off.  It’s time to start small.

How to Work Your Way into a Good Outing

It’s more important to be out there taking action than it is to stay cooped up inside and reading dating tips (except this article, of course!).  If you’ve read a lot of dating advice, going out and trying to meet new people comes with a lot of pressure.  What if they reject you?  What if you come across as weird or creepy?  What if you get embarrassed?

To beat these jitters, start by forgetting your long-term goals and simply focus on tonight.  Tonight, you’re going to start small.

If you’ve never been a very active dater before, chances are that you’re going to feel shy.  You can’t exactly go from zero to hero overnight.  That’s why for this next outing, you’ll need to start small. 

Just focus on approaching one to three new groups of strangers.  Don’t worry about how they react to you; just saying “Hello” is enough to consider this outing a success.  You might be surprised at how approaching just a few people can turn your night upside-down, get you out of your shell, and actually get you to have a good time.

One quick note:  to prevent lingering at the bar or standing in the corner, try to approach someone right away once you enter.  Something as simple as “do you have the time?” is enough.

You wouldn’t expect to grow muscles overnight.  So why should you expect to grow social muscles overnight?  Just work on getting your reps in, and the muscles will come.

Set Short-Term Goals

Once you’ve mastered the art of getting out there and actually meeting new people, you should feel ready to start working on your social skills.  Don’t assume you have to make out with every new girl you meet, or that you have to become some Playboy overnight.  Instead, progressively work on your social skills by setting small, short-term goals.

For example, if eye contact has always been a problem for you, start focusing on keeping eye contact with people for a week or so, until you no longer feel uncomfortable doing it.  From there, work your way up – if you’ve never felt comfortable giving people compliments, resolve yourself to giving a stranger a compliment every day.

You can even start smaller if you want.  If you don’t want to meet new people right away, at least get yourself out of the house.  The important thing is taking action that can build up real momentum in your life, and not lagging while trying to find the latest advice that can solve everything for you.

You will solve your problems.  Not the advice.  So take that first step, and keep walking.

Join the forum discussion on this post - (1) Posts

For the Guys: Your Top Five Dating Mistakes

Mistakes aren’t necessarily a bad thing - after all, if you hadn’t stumbled a few times while trying to ride your bike, you wouldn’t know how to do it today.  Embarrassing mistakes have a way of helping us to remember what not to do - and remember it very vividly.

So that you know when you’ve made a mistake, here are five mistakes many guys make when out on the dating scene.

Mistake #1:  Apprehension.

Come on.  Apprehension?  That’s not a mistake, that’s a natural consequence of putting yourself out there!

That doesn’t mean you can’t control your emotions.

When you’re out with a woman, the best thing to do is relax.  Why?  Being out with a woman on a first date can be a nerve-racking situation, especially if you’re out meeting a woman you’ve never met before.  Too many guys get so caught up in “Doing this, not doing that” that they forget to simply relax, lower their talking standards, and let the dating success come naturally.

In other words, loosen up.

Mistake #2:  Not approaching the woman they’re attracted to.

My personal, biggest dating regrets are simple:  I should have approached that woman in the mall/at the theme park/etc.  Really, I should have.  Similarly, when you’re attracted to a woman and you have an opportunity to approach her, don’t talk yourself out of it.

When you don’t approach a woman you’re interested in, your shot at dating success is at a whopping zero percent.  When you do talk to her, maybe your chances aren’t much better - but at least there’s a chance.  You never know; you might make her day.

Mistake #3:  Living in other peoples’ realities.

Whose reality do you live in?  It seems like an obvious question, right?  Yours, of course. Right?

Right?

Not always.  When you “live in someone else’s reality,” you let your general attitude and social standing be determined by them, not you.

It happens quickly.  When a girl asks you “What do you do?” in a harsh tone that suggests it better be something with a hefty paycheck, and you respond in a way that tries to impress her, guess what?  Even if your job does come with a hefty paycheck, you just took one step into her reality.

If you’re living in your reality, you don’t particularly care about answering in a way that will make you look good.  You’re more concerned with being happy yourself.

Mistake #4:  Monitoring your own behavior.

When you’re near an attractive woman, it’s tempting to monitor your own behavior so that you don’t come across as weird - what’s ironic is that it’s this self-consciousness that makes you appear weird in the first place.

Believe me; women simply can’t feel deep attraction to a guy who’s uncomfortable in his own skin.  You need to embrace the possibility that she will find you weird when you aren’t monitoring your behavior instead of monitor it.  It sounds like quite the paradox, but it simply means that you need to be casual, loose, relaxed, and if you’re in a high-energy environment, fun.

To break out of the self-conscious mold, try approaching a few strangers, especially before a first date.  You’ll loosen up and will feel a little more natural being out in the social world.

Mistake #5:  Trying to manipulate a woman into liking you.

If a woman doesn’t like you, all the flowers in the world won’t necessarily make her like you.  In fact, your attempts to manipulate a woman into liking you simply highlight the negative qualities she thinks you have.

Trying to manipulate a woman into affection can take on many forms; you might tell jokes that you wouldn’t normally tell to your friends, or you might treat her nice because she’s a “lady.”  Hey, I’m all for chivalry, but it works better when you do it for yourself, not for her.  She’ll appreciate it more that way anyway.

If you’re around an especially attractive woman, simply “being normal” is often enough to attract her.  Why?  Because she’s so used to guys getting nervous and fawning over her that “normal” is refreshing.  And if you’re normal and not nervous around someone as attractive as her, she also assumes you might do well with other women, which makes you more attractive.

How to Ask Her Out on a Date

So you’ve optimized everything about yourself you can:  you’ve bought new clothes, given yourself a new style, and you’ve even sharpened your wit by getting out more.  But when it comes down to something as simple as asking a girl out on a date you’re still, well, stuck.

For some guys, asking a girl out on a date means finally revealing their attraction to the woman they’re interested in.  For that reason alone, it can feel like there’s a lot of pressure on you.

It’s time to break through this obstacle.  Asking a woman out on a date doesn’t have to be an obstacle to your success, and it doesn’t always have to feel like a burden.  Here are some ways you can ask her out without as much worry.

The Casual Way

Did you ever notice that sometimes, when you feel nervous to give a speech, you find compelled to explain why you’re so nervous? I’ve made this mistake, and really, there’s no reason to address the fact that you’re nervous at all.

Some men make this mistake when asking a woman out. Your body language and nonverbal communication should say This is casual, I don’t feel a lot of pressure at all. If I get rejected, I won’t be hurt. When you say something to the tune of “I’m not even sure if you’ll say yes, but I wanted to know if you’d go out with me,” you can end up communicating that you’re not very comfortable at all.

Can this work? Sure; if the woman’s already interested in you.

But if you want to be more casual, ask the woman out like it’s a natural thing - the way you’d ask a friend to hang out. “Hey, I was thinking of going and grabbing dinner right now. You want to join me?”

Keep it simple, stupid!

The Flirtatious Way

Of course, keeping it casual is nice, but it’s not always fun.

One great way to interact with women you’re interested in is to be over-the-top flirtatious. For example, if she mentions that she’s single, you might say “You’re single? What are you doing Friday?” Obviously, you’re being humorous, but at the same time it shows you’re not afraid to be a little forward.

To have a little fun with asking her out, you can try a funny way to do it: Ask her something bigger, like “Will you marry me?” If she playfully says “Yes” in reply, you can smoothly segue into asking her to dinner. If she says “No,” you can say something to the tune of “Well, how about at least dinner then,” showing her that you’re actually serious this time.

Don’t use these examples word-for-word. Use them as a guide to help you understand the principles behind the words. Stay relaxed, be willing to risk it and hear “No,” and you should do just fine.

Five Tips for the Sport-Loving Gentleman

Even if the female mind is a labyrinth, there are some women out there who will simply never understand how you can be so passionate about sports.  To her, spending three hours on a Sunday afternoon watching grown men organize in formation and slap each other’s butts is incomprehensible.  But to you, it makes perfect sense.

Just because your girlfriend, fiance, or wife doesn’t understand your passion for sports doesn’t mean you should have to pick one or the other.  If your love of sports has been causing your some troubles with your love interest, it’s time to get your act in gear.

Tip #1: Indulge some of her passions - even if you don’t want to.

“Oh, come on, Dan!  You’re getting soft on me!  You propose letting my girlfriend drag me around some art museum all Saturday?”

It’s called collateral.  In order for a woman to feel like a relationship is on solid ground - which can be a tremendous source of happiness for her - she needs to know you’re as invested in it as she is. If you ignore her all week and expect that she stay out of your life for three hours on Sunday afternoon while you watch football, she’s probably going to feel a little discontented.

If she’s going to respect your “Sports space,” then you’re going to need to respect her passions and hobbies as well.  Stop making fun of her for shopping so much and go out with her when she wants to see an art exhibit.  This “collateral” acts as proof that you do care about the relationship, and will be the foundation for what’s to come later on.

Please note:  If you’re not in a serious relationship with a girl, she has no right to start complaining about the amount of time playing sports.  You also don’t want to lead her on if you’re not interested in something long-term.

Tip #2:  Set boundaries for your own time and space.

Most people tend to act under a general guideline:  when it comes to discipline, they’ll do as much misbehaving as they feel they can get away with.  This is why you don’t see a lot of tomfoolery in front of the Drill Sergeant, but the lazy parent can quickly raise a brat.

If sports are really that important to you, let your wife/fiance/girlfriend know that you expect to have your sports-watching time totally respected.  You can’t be bluffing here;  she has to feel that if she does cross the boundary, you will really, really not appreciate it.

The key is that this comes from a place of reality - not simply trying to bully over your girlfriend by showing her you can watch sports.  Instead, sports have to be important enough to you that you say “I am a package:  I come with hair, eyes, and I watch sports.”  If you’re not willing to be flexible, then it’s simple:  don’t be flexible. She’ll get the hint and find something else to do until you’re ready to hang out again.

If you followed Tip #1, she’ll understand that you do care about your relationship, but that you also need to have a little guy-time.

Tip #3: Understand where women are coming from.

Sometimes, women don’t mean to bother you about sports; it’s simply that they feel a discrepancy in the relationship.  They’ve been investing a lot of time, effort, and emotion into being your girlfriend and they feel like you don’t care quite as much.

In this case, it’s important that you understand your love of sports might not be the problem causing all of the fights.  Instead, look to the root of the problem:  women need to feel appreciated and desired in a long-term relationship, and when you ignore her to watch a game, the idea that you don’t appreciate her pokes out of the water.

As a man, you’re tempted to use logic and say “Why can’t watching football on Sunday be separate from how you feel about our relationship?  I just want to watch sports without it having such deep meaning for you.” But you have to look a little deeper and see what is really causing your special woman to feel a certain way.

Tip #4: Revel in your masculinity.

Part of what makes sports so appealing for men is that it makes us feel masculine - rooting for one team, opposing the other, and choosing sides in a conflict.  Even cheering hard for your team can be a healthy outlet for aggression, and if you suppress these masculine desires, you might be adding to the whole “sports” problem. You don’t want to grow to resent your girlfriend or wife because you feel suppressed as a masculine being. Let it out!

Women sometimes can’t help but be attracted to men who are loud, passionate, and fun - and sports can bring that out of you.  Don’t suppress it because your girlfriend is around; revel in it.  When your team has a good play, pick her up and swing her around, give her ten enthusiastic kisses all over her face if she brings you snacks; if she’s giggling, you’re doing it right.  If you become a little more manly every time you watch sports, she might just learn to love them, too.

Tip #5: Use sports as an excuse to get out.

Sporting events are highly social, even when you’re just watching them on TV.  Use sports as an excuse to meet people, have friends over, and get out of the house - it will help you from feeling cooped up or lazy.

What It Really Means to “Be Yourself.”

Hey, man, just be yourself.

Ugh. That little ditty posing as honest dating advice is probably the last cliche you want to hear.  After all, if “being yourself” worked out so great, you wouldn’t have a problem with dating in the first place.  But don’t be so quick to dismiss the advice.  “Being yourself” can mean a lot; the frustration comes when no one takes the time to actually, um, you know - explain what it means.

So what does it mean?  Let’s start at the opposite end of the table.

What Being Yourself Doesn’t Mean

The reason “being yourself” hasn’t worked out for you yet isn’t necessarily because you’ve been yourself all along.  Just because you take pleasure in a limited identity - “I’m a dork,” “I”ll never be good with women,” - doesn’t mean that’s really what it means to “be yourself.”

So what doesn’t being yourself mean?  Here are a few examples.

Being nervous, stifled, and anxious. People experience fear for good reason.  It helps us avoid high cliffs and gigantic tarantulas.  But when it comes to the dating world, fear and insecurity often do more harm than good.  It can lead to nervous, anxious, and generally awkward behavior that isn’t how you would normally act.

How do you act when you’re around your sister or brother?  You couldn’t give a rat’s behind about how you come across.  That is a lot closer to being yourself than when you’re sweating bullets.

Seeking comfort in the “Gentleman” idea. Fears have a funny way of making us rationalize our behaviors.  Though it’s usually the man’s role to approach a woman and ask her out on a date, our fears can sometimes get in the way.  Some people will rationalize this fear by saying “I don’t want to make her uncomfortable - I’m a gentleman.”

Your respect for women is admirable and appropriate, but that doesn’t mean you’re being true to yourself.  By all means, take it slow; but take it slow because you want to, not because you’re afraid of anything else.

Being afraid to try new things. This is a tricky one.  Some men are afraid to push themselves out of their comfort zone, using the rationalization “well, that’s just not me.”  You don’t want to be dishonest in your pursuit of dating success, but that doesn’t mean you should stay trapped in a bubble.

Believing that something isn’t “you” is confining.  Sometimes, you have to take risks, push yourself out of your comfort zone, and maybe even feel a little weird.  That’s how you grow.  And if you’re not learning and growing and giving this dating thing an honest shot, is that really being true to yourself?

How to Actually Be Yourself

If you’re with me so far, you might be wondering “well, that’s all well and good.  So how can I ‘be myself’?”  Don’t worry; I’m on it.

Focus on being unstifled and relaxed. If you’re going out on a blind date and arrive first, don’t sit at the table and wait nervously for life to come and get you.  Don’t even focus on how to “perform well” on your date - whatever that means.

Instead, focus on how you feel.  Talk to the waitress or bartender.  Talk to a few strangers.  Loosen up.  Push out of your comfort zone before the date even begins, and you’ll find yourself more relaxed and prepared when it’s go-time.

Push those words out. Part of becoming “unstifled” - and a more relaxed version of yourself - means you might have to kick-start the motor a bit.  When you’re around family and close friends, do you put a limit on what you say?  Chances are you actually blurt out what comes to mind.  You aren’t as concerned about how your comments are perceived.

Do that when you talk to women.  If you feel the instinct to say something, don’t be afraid to blurt something out.  You might say the wrong thing, but that’s better than being nervous, awkward, and not saying any “right” things.

Be honest and live to your own standards. When it comes to that first date, there will probably be some “interview”-style questions.  You know the type: where are you from, what do you do.

Many men make the mistake of believing that all women are out to find men with money and prestige, and proceed to “sugar up” their answers.  Don’t.

What’s more important is that a woman look into your eyes and see that you’re living - and therefore answering her questions - according to your standards, not hers.  Tell her what you do for work.  Tell her about your passions.  Stay relaxed and comfortable even if you don’t like sharing that you currently live with five roommates to save money.

Don’t let fear give you a tight definition of yourself.  Instead, look at yourself for the value you can offer to the world.  And when in doubt, relax!