Hey, man, just be yourself.
Ugh. That little ditty posing as honest dating advice is probably the last cliche you want to hear. After all, if “being yourself” worked out so great, you wouldn’t have a problem with dating in the first place. But don’t be so quick to dismiss the advice. “Being yourself” can mean a lot; the frustration comes when no one takes the time to actually, um, you know - explain what it means.
So what does it mean? Let’s start at the opposite end of the table.
The reason “being yourself” hasn’t worked out for you yet isn’t necessarily because you’ve been yourself all along. Just because you take pleasure in a limited identity - “I’m a dork,” “I”ll never be good with women,” - doesn’t mean that’s really what it means to “be yourself.”
So what doesn’t being yourself mean? Here are a few examples.
Being nervous, stifled, and anxious. People experience fear for good reason. It helps us avoid high cliffs and gigantic tarantulas. But when it comes to the dating world, fear and insecurity often do more harm than good. It can lead to nervous, anxious, and generally awkward behavior that isn’t how you would normally act.
How do you act when you’re around your sister or brother? You couldn’t give a rat’s behind about how you come across. That is a lot closer to being yourself than when you’re sweating bullets.
Seeking comfort in the “Gentleman” idea. Fears have a funny way of making us rationalize our behaviors. Though it’s usually the man’s role to approach a woman and ask her out on a date, our fears can sometimes get in the way. Some people will rationalize this fear by saying “I don’t want to make her uncomfortable - I’m a gentleman.”
Your respect for women is admirable and appropriate, but that doesn’t mean you’re being true to yourself. By all means, take it slow; but take it slow because you want to, not because you’re afraid of anything else.
Being afraid to try new things. This is a tricky one. Some men are afraid to push themselves out of their comfort zone, using the rationalization “well, that’s just not me.” You don’t want to be dishonest in your pursuit of dating success, but that doesn’t mean you should stay trapped in a bubble.
Believing that something isn’t “you” is confining. Sometimes, you have to take risks, push yourself out of your comfort zone, and maybe even feel a little weird. That’s how you grow. And if you’re not learning and growing and giving this dating thing an honest shot, is that really being true to yourself?
If you’re with me so far, you might be wondering “well, that’s all well and good. So how can I ‘be myself’?” Don’t worry; I’m on it.
Focus on being unstifled and relaxed. If you’re going out on a blind date and arrive first, don’t sit at the table and wait nervously for life to come and get you. Don’t even focus on how to “perform well” on your date - whatever that means.
Instead, focus on how you feel. Talk to the waitress or bartender. Talk to a few strangers. Loosen up. Push out of your comfort zone before the date even begins, and you’ll find yourself more relaxed and prepared when it’s go-time.
Push those words out. Part of becoming “unstifled” - and a more relaxed version of yourself - means you might have to kick-start the motor a bit. When you’re around family and close friends, do you put a limit on what you say? Chances are you actually blurt out what comes to mind. You aren’t as concerned about how your comments are perceived.
Do that when you talk to women. If you feel the instinct to say something, don’t be afraid to blurt something out. You might say the wrong thing, but that’s better than being nervous, awkward, and not saying any “right” things.
Be honest and live to your own standards. When it comes to that first date, there will probably be some “interview”-style questions. You know the type: where are you from, what do you do.
Many men make the mistake of believing that all women are out to find men with money and prestige, and proceed to “sugar up” their answers. Don’t.
What’s more important is that a woman look into your eyes and see that you’re living - and therefore answering her questions - according to your standards, not hers. Tell her what you do for work. Tell her about your passions. Stay relaxed and comfortable even if you don’t like sharing that you currently live with five roommates to save money.
Don’t let fear give you a tight definition of yourself. Instead, look at yourself for the value you can offer to the world. And when in doubt, relax!
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