Oftentimes, what separates us from the woman of our dreams isn’t our looks, our financial situation, or even our career: it’s ourselves.
Or, more accurately, it’s our ego.
What do I mean by “ego”? I don’t mean the traditional psychological definition; I mean the little self-representation we set up for yourselves, often an unrealistic projection of how we think we should be perceived by others.
Needless to say, it’s easy to damage and harm this ego. Our unrealistically high expectations of the importance others should place on us feed this false self-image, and this makes it easy to feel hurt, rejected, or slighted.
If you’ve ever seen one get unproportionately angry because of road rage, you’ve seen the ego in action. Psychologists have pointed out that when we get behind the wheel of a care, our sense of personal space inflates far beyond its usual limits. This makes it easier to feel our space infringed upon.
So what does this have to do with dating? Let’s dig further.
Success Barriers
The ego isn’t totally a bad thing. Sometimes, when the ego is based truly on reality, it can even serve us. But when you’re trying to succeed with women, the ego might be responsible for a number of self-limiting beliefs, or success barriers.
If you are truly confident in yourself, you have nothing to prove. True confidence means a core belief that you, by yourself, are worthy of love and attention from the opposite sex.
The ego sometimes gets in the way of this healthy belief. For example, check out some of these limiting beliefs and what they really mean:
Limiting belief #1: “That woman is out of my league. She needs a man with more confidence/looks/money than I have.”
Reality: Disqualifying ourselves from even having a chance with a woman we like is a way of protecting ourselves - more specifically, our egos - from rejection. You can’t be rejected by someone you’re not willing to approach. Women are attracted to authentic, confident men who have no doubts about their worthiness.
Limiting belief #2: “I can see how other guys would think she’s attractive, but she’s too ____ for me. She’s not my type.”
Reality: This is another way of avoiding potential rejection: by rejecting the woman first. Have you ever been pursued by a woman, only to not give that woman a chance because something didn’t “feel right”? It’s possible that might have been your ego trying to protect itself. In reality, you don’t have to marry every woman you feel interested in, so why make it such a big deal?
Limiting belief #3: “She doesn’t like me.”
Reality: She actually might. Too often, men depend on “good reactions” from women to feel validated. Instead, many men who are successful with women take an attitude of “I’m going to just assume all women like me, in one way or another.” While this might sound self-deceiving as well, you might be surprised how often it can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Women dig confidence. Depending on a woman to “react well” in order to feel good about yourself isn’t confidence.
Those are just some of the ways our egos can hurt us with women. Next, we’ll look at how ignoring your ego can actually help you to do better.
Don’t Resist
Being honest, we all have egos, but how we handle them says a lot about our core beliefs. The attitude of well, I might not be perfect, and I may in fact mess things up with this woman, but I’m being myself, and that’s okay will work far better for you than I have to act differently to attract this woman.
How good are you at pretending to be someone else in order to attract a woman? It doesn’t really work, does it?
Ever been truly relaxed and comfortable - and yourself - around a woman you were interested in? How did that work out?
Oh, boy, not that old “be yourself” advice again. But here’s a way to actually do it proactively: being yourself is about ignoring the little filters that tell you to change your behavior just because a woman you like is in the area.
To be authentic, don’t ask yourself, how should I act? Just do what you do whenever you’re relaxed around friends and family: don’t needlessly censor yourself.
Here are some other ways to “lose the ego” when you’re dating women:
Don’t judge any woman, ever. Feeling comfortable around a man is probably priority #1 for a woman. She can’t feel comfortable if she feels you’re judging her. Don’t put her on a pedestal, and don’t throw her under the bus: she’s just a person, like you are. There is inherent value in that.
Don’t get jealous. If you’re really pushing a woman’s buttons, she might give you a reason or two to be jealous - even to see how you react. Jealousy says a lot of bad things about you, especially early in a relationship. If she flirts with another guy and you get jealous, it shows that you are threatened by her behavior. Why would you get threatened? You’re a cool and confident guy; you have lots of options available to you. Get my drift?
Don’t get upset. As a man, your job is to be the rock in the center of the chaos - the emotionally stable man who gets his emotions from himself, not from others. If she flakes out on a date, or “slights” you in any other way, don’t listen to the voice that says “re-assert your ego!” Your power is yours: don’t give power over your emotions to a woman just because you like her.
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